Why It’s So Hard to Listen When You Disagree | Emily Kasriel | TED · TED
Emily Kasriel探讨为何在意见不合时难以倾听，并提出‘深度倾听’框架，帮助人们建立跨代际、文化与政治的联系。适合练习倾听与沟通技巧。
You know, there's something quite strange going on, because most of us believe we should be better listeners,
你知道吗，现在发生了一些相当奇怪的事情。因为我们大多数人其实都认为我们应该成为更好的倾听者（即更善于倾听他人意见的人）。
but, as I found in my research, we find it so hard, especially when we disagree.
但是，正如我在研究中发现的一样，我们发现这种情况非常难以处理，尤其是在我们意见不一致的时候。
There's a kind of psychological bug that gets in the way.
有一种心理上的障碍会妨碍我们正常地思考或行动。
We fear that if we listen to people whose ideas we find unpalatable, we'll be contaminated without realizing it.
我们担心，如果我们听取那些我们认为观点令人反感的人的意见，可能会在不知不觉中受到影响（即被他们的观点“污染”）。
We've bought into a dangerous myth -- listening means agreeing.
我们相信了一个危险的神话：认为“倾听”就意味着“同意”。
Listening means agreeing.
倾听”意味着“同意”。
So we avoid it, and instead, we fixate on trying to explain ourselves more loudly, more fiercely, more insistently.
因此，我们选择回避这个问题；转而更加大声、更加激烈、更加坚持地试图向他人解释自己的立场。
"If only they'd understand."
要是他们能明白就好了。
You know, I should know, because I threw away a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to understand one of Africa's most intriguing and powerful leaders,
你知道的，我本应该明白这一点——因为我白白浪费了一个千载难逢的机会，那个机会本可以让我深入了解非洲最引人入胜、最具影响力的领导人之一。
because I wasn't ready to listen.
因为当时我还没有准备好去倾听。
So let me tell you about a time when I was in Ethiopia, reporting for the BBC at the start of my career.
那么，让我给你们讲讲我在埃塞俄比亚工作的那段经历吧。那是我职业生涯初期，当时我为英国广播公司（BBC）进行报道工作。
I landed an interview with its president and later prime minister, Meles Zenawi.
我成功获得了与该国总统（后来也成为总理的）梅莱斯·泽纳维的面试机会。
I was so proud.
我感到非常自豪。
This was my big scoop.
这就是我的重大独家新闻。
But it was also a time when his opponents were tortured or disappeared.
但那也是一个他的对手们遭到折磨或失踪的时期。
So the president, he was keen to talk about his record crop production of maize, of sorghum and barley,
因此，总统非常热衷于谈论他今年在玉米、高粱和大麦种植方面取得的丰收成果。
critical in a country with a history of famine.
在一个曾经历过饥荒的国家里，这一点至关重要。
But I refused to listen, incessantly circling back to human rights.
但我拒绝听他们的意见，只是一味地反复强调人权问题。
To be honest, my questions, they were masks for my desire to confront the president.
说实话，我提出的问题其实只是我内心渴望与总统直接对峙的掩饰罢了。
And what did he do?
那么他做了什么呢？
He edged further and further away from me, behind his vast wooden desk, and then cut the interview early.
他慢慢地离我越来越远，躲到了他那巨大的木质书桌后面，随后便提前结束了这次采访。
You know, it wasn't so much that I was wrong to hold the president to account.
你知道的，问题并不在于我要求总统承担责任这件事本身是错误的。
That was essential, but my lack of curiosity and my inability to listen caused him to put up his defenses,
这固然很重要，但我的缺乏好奇心以及无法认真倾听的态度，反而让他产生了抵触情绪（或者说他开始采取防御性态度）。
and so I walked away empty-handed.
于是，我空手而归。
And over the years, I've learned from my mistakes as a journalist and my work as an executive coach,
这些年来，我从自己作为记者时犯的错误以及作为高管教练的工作经历中吸取了宝贵的经验。
and I've drawn on scholars and psychologists and peacebuilders, and I've woven these ideas together into a book and an approach I call Deep Listening.
我借鉴了学者、心理学家以及和平建设者的研究成果，将这些观点整合成了一本书，并将其称为“深度倾听”（Deep Listening）这一方法。
Because the standard way we so often perform listening, it starves us of real connections.
因为我们通常采用的标准听力练习方式，实际上阻碍了我们与语言信息之间的真实、深入的交流（即“真实连接”的建立）。
We struggle to engage with our coworkers, with our family -- just ask my own -- anyone from a different background or generation,
我们很难与同事或家人建立良好的关系（不妨问问我自己就知道了）。对于那些来自不同背景或不同世代的人来说，这种情况尤为普遍。
anyone whose ideas conflict with our own.
任何那些观点与我们相冲突的人。
Now you see, I think I’m rational, and my sense is that you think you're rational, but we're all driven by our judgments,
现在你应该明白了吧：我认为自己是理性的，你也应该认为自己也是理性的；然而，我们所有人其实都是被自己的判断所驱使的。
by our emotions and our past, clinging onto the moral high ground.
我们受情绪和过去经历的影响，试图坚守自己认为的道德高地（即认为自己是正确的一方）。
The problem is that, from an early age, we've been brought up to believe that listening means agreement,
问题在于，从很小的时候起，我们就被灌输了一种观念：倾听就意味着同意。
that listening signals obedience.
倾听意味着服从。
You know, I remember my first teacher yelling at me, "Listen to me."
你知道吗？我记得我的第一位老师曾冲我大喊：“听我说！
What she meant [was], “Obey me.
她的意思其实是：“服从我。
Keep quiet.
保持安静。
Put those crayons away."
把那些蜡笔收起来吧。
wasn’t really an invitation to listen -- it was a command to comply.
这其实并不算是一种“邀请”人们去倾听，而更像是一种“命令”，要求人们必须服从。
And this muddling up of listening and agreement means that now, as adults, we fear listening to people whose ideas might disturb us.
这种将“倾听”与“达成共识”混为一谈的做法，导致我们作为成年人后，害怕去倾听那些可能让我们感到不适的人的意见。
"Will I lose myself?"
我会迷失自我吗？