The science behind dramatically better conversations | Charles Duhigg | TEDxManchester · TEDx Talks
Charles Duhigg分享如何通过提问和倾听改善对话，适合练习沟通技巧和情感交流。
Transcriber: Abdulrahman Sallam Reviewer: Raúl Higareda
文字记录员：Abdulrahman Sallam 审稿人：Raúl Higareda
I’m going to ask you to participate in an experiment, which is that when you leave this room,
我打算请您参与一个实验。具体来说，当您离开这个房间后……
when you go out into the world, today, tomorrow, or whenever you feel like it,
当你走出家门，走向这个世界时——无论是今天、明天，还是任何你想要出门的时候——
I’d like you to ask and answer one question of someone who’s a stranger.
我希望你能向一个陌生人提出一个问题，并得到他们的回答。
You might meet them on the bus or walking down the street.
你可能会在公交车上或走在街上时遇到他们。
I’m going to show you the question I’m going to ask you to ask and answer.
我将向你们展示那个问题，然后要求你们去提出这个问题并给出答案。
The question is, “When was the last time you cried in front of someone?”
问题是：“你上一次在别人面前哭泣是什么时候？
Now, just out of curiosity, how many of you are really excited about this experiment?
现在，只是出于好奇，你们当中有多少人真的对这项实验感到兴奋呢？
No hands went up whatsoever.
没有人举手。
And that makes sense, right?
这确实说得通，对吧？
Because there can be nothing that seems more intimidating or less fun than finding a stranger, asking them when they’ve cried in front of someone else,
因为没有什么比遇到一个陌生人，然后问他们“你上次在别人面前哭泣是什么时候”更让人感到尴尬或更无趣的事情了。
and then telling them about the time you cried in front of someone else.
然后告诉他们你曾经在别人面前哭过的那次经历。
But I’m going to try and convince you that this experiment is not only worth doing, it’s worth doing whenever you can,
但我打算努力说服你们：这个实验不仅值得去做，而且只要有可能，就应该尽可能经常去做。
because it will make your life better.
因为这会让你的生活变得更好。
To explain how I got to this, I’ve to tell you a little bit of a story about me and my wife.
为了解释我为什么会走到这一步，我必须先给你们讲讲我和我妻子的一些故事。
A few years ago, we got into this bad pattern.
几年前，我们陷入了这种糟糕的循环（或：陷入了这种不良的行为模式）。
We’d been married for 20 years, but
我们结婚已经20年了，但是……
I’d come home from a long day at the office, I was a reporter at the New York Times at that point,
一天漫长的工作时间结束后，我回到了家。那时我还在《纽约时报》担任记者。
and I’d start complaining about my day, about how I’m not appreciated enough.
然后我就会开始抱怨自己这一天过得怎么样，抱怨别人没有充分认识到我的价值（或者说没有足够重视我）。
And my wife, very reasonably, would offer me some great advice.
而我妻子也会非常理智地给我一些建议。
Like, “Why don’t you take your boss out to lunch?
比如：“你为什么不带你老板出去吃午饭呢？
You guys can get to know each other better.”
你们可以更好地了解彼此。
And instead of being able to hear her, I would get even more upset.
而我却无法听到她的声音，这只会让我更加沮丧。
And I would say things like, “Why aren’t you supporting me?
我会说一些这样的话：“你为什么不支持我呢？
You should be outraged on my behalf.”
你应该为我感到愤怒。
And she would get upset because I was attacking her for giving me good advice.
她会因此感到不快，因为我觉得她在给我提好建议的同时，其实是在“攻击”我。
This was not...
这根本不是……
Anyone ever had an experience like this?
有人有过类似的经历吗？
It was not a good situation.
这确实不是一个好的局面。
And so, I started talking to researchers who were studying communication.
于是，我开始与那些研究沟通领域的研究人员交流。
I asked them, “Why am I getting into this pattern?”
我问他们：“为什么我会陷入这种模式呢？
They said, “Well, you’re making a mistake.”
他们说：“嗯，你犯了一个错误。
We’re living through this golden age of understanding communication, really for the first time, because of advances in neural imaging and data collection.
我们正生活在这样一个理解人类交流方式的“黄金时代”——这确实是人类历史上第一次真正能够深入理解交流机制的时期，这一切都得益于神经成像技术和数据收集方法的进步。
They said one of the big things that we’ve learned Is that we tend to think of a discussion as being just one conversation.
他们表示，我们学到的一个重要道理是：我们往往把一场讨论简单地视为一次普通的对话而已。
We’re talking about one thing: my day, or the kids’ grades, or what to have for dinner.
我们讨论的其实都是一些很具体的事情：我的一天过得怎么样、孩子们的成绩如何，以及晚餐该吃什么。
But what they said is that actually, each discussion contains many different conversations.
但他们所说的是：实际上，每一次讨论都包含了许多不同的对话内容。
In general, these conversations tend to fall into one of three buckets.
一般来说，这些对话通常会归入以下三类之一。
There’s these practical conversations, where we’re talking about what this is all about, what we’re really discussing.
我们会进行一些实际的对话，讨论这些事情的实质内容，以及我们真正想要表达的观点。
But then there’s emotional conversations, where we’re talking about how we feel, and my goal is to share with you my feelings,
不过还有那些充满情感的对话，在这些对话中我们会谈论自己的感受。我的目标就是与你们分享我的内心感受。
and I don’t want you to solve them, I want you to empathize.
我不希望你们去解决这些问题，而是希望你们能够产生共鸣（即对这些问题有同理心）。