The Problem With Being “Too Nice” at Work | Tessa West | TED · TED
社会心理学家Tessa West探讨在职场中过于友善可能带来的负面影响，分享如何用清晰反馈代替泛泛好评。适合练习职场沟通与反馈技巧。
So why is it the case that when we are feeling the most anxious, uncomfortable, socially awkward versions of ourselves,
那么，为什么当我们处于最焦虑、最不适、在社交场合中最显得笨拙（或最不自在）的状态时，情况偏偏会是这样呢？
when our hearts are pounding and our palms are sweating and we feel like crawling out of our skin,
当我们的心跳加速、手掌出汗，甚至感觉自己仿佛要从皮肤里爬出来的时候……
are we also the most nice and often generic to the people around us?
我们对周围的人是否也是最友善的？同时，我们的言行往往缺乏个性（即非常普通、缺乏独特性）？
I'm a social psychologist, and I've been studying the science of uncomfortable social interactions for over 20 years.
我是一名社会心理学家，过去20多年来一直致力于研究那些令人感到不适的社交互动现象背后的科学原理。
So everything from new roommate relationships, negotiations, upward feedback with your boss to doctor patient-interactions, those moments where you need to break in and say,
所以，从与新室友建立关系、进行谈判、向上级汇报工作，到医生与患者之间的交流，所有这些场景中，都有可能需要你站出来发表自己的意见。
"Yeah, for the last 20 minutes, I actually have no idea what you were talking about.
是啊，过去20分钟里，我完全不知道你在说什么。
Can we maybe rewind a bit?"
我们能不能把时间倒回一点呢？
And to study these things, I look at three main outcomes.
为了研究这些现象，我会关注三个主要的成果指标。
First, I look at what people say, the things we can control, how friendly we are, how much we complement one another,
首先，我会关注人们的说法、我们可以控制的因素、我们的友好程度，以及我们彼此之间的互相赞美（或鼓励）。
how much we give gracious feedback.
我们总是给予非常友好的、充满善意的反馈。
Second, I look at the things that are tougher for us to control, our nonverbal behaviors, things like fidgeting,
其次，我会关注那些我们更难以控制的因素，也就是我们的非语言行为，比如坐立不安、小动作不断之类的行为。
avoiding eye contact, playing with our hair, doodling even, even our tone of voice.
我们避免与他人进行眼神交流，喜欢摆弄自己的头发，甚至会胡乱涂鸦；就连说话的语气也会刻意改变。
And then I look at the things that are impossible for us to control our under-the-skin responses, our physiology,
然后我想到那些我们无法控制的事情——比如我们身体内部的反应（即生理机能）。
our cardiovascular reactivity, things like blood pressure, heart rate, these types of things that we often don't even really realize that we're feeling.
我们的心血管反应能力，比如血压、心率等等——这些其实都是我们身体在发生的生理变化，只不过我们往往并没有真正意识到自己正在经历这些变化。
And the way I do this is by having people come into the lab and interact with each other in a bunch of different settings,
我实现这一目标的方法是让人们来到实验室，在各种不同的环境中相互交流、互动。
and I have them negotiate with each other, I have them get acquainted with each other.
我会让他们互相谈判、互相了解。
And often it's the case that in these interactions, people are required to give some form of feedback to their partner.
在这些互动中，人们通常需要向对方提供某种形式的反馈。
Tell them honestly what they're thinking or feeling, come in with an offer for a negotiation, tell them what they could have done better next time.
诚实地告诉他们自己的想法或感受，提出谈判的方案，并告诉他们下次可以如何做得更好。
And I think we all kind of know what it feels like to be in one of these studies.
我想我们都知道，参与这样的研究会是什么感觉。
You might not know what it would really feel like to be in one of my studies.
你可能并不清楚，如果真的置身于我的某个研究项目之中，会是一种怎样的体验。
There's a lot of equipment involved, but we plug people up to all of these things to measure these under-the-skin responses.
需要使用大量的设备；我们会将这些设备连接到人体上，以测量人体皮肤下的各种反应（即身体对各种刺激的反应）。
We videotape them to capture those behaviors that I just mentioned.
我们会对它们进行录像，以便记录下我刚才提到的那些行为。
Now, to get us all into this mindset of what it's like to feel awkward, but maybe potentially a little bit nice,
现在，让我们都进入这样一种思维状态：体会那种尴尬的感觉，不过也许这种尴尬感也会带来一丝美好的体验。
I want you all to think about what was the last awkward interaction that you had.
我希望你们每个人都能回想一下自己最近一次经历过的尴尬互动是什么。
OK, so keep this thought in your mind.
好的，请把这个想法记在心里。
You can think about it for a
你可以好好考虑一下这个问题。
few moments, because in a couple minutes, I'm actually going to randomly call on someone based on your seat
请稍等片刻，因为几分钟后我将会随机抽取一位同学回答问题，选择的标准就是他们的座位号。
to have you come up and share your story of what that moment felt like.
希望你能站上来，分享一下你当时那一刻的感受。
So before we do that, I just want you all to kind of get a sense of the typical pattern that we see
在我们开始之前，我想让大家先了解一下我们通常会观察到的典型模式。
when people are engaging in these interactions.
当人们进行这些互动时……
So we bring them into the lab, we hook them up to all this equipment and within moments,
于是我们把它们带到实验室里，把它们连接到各种设备上，不一会儿……
within the first 20 seconds, we start to see those stress responses that I mentioned.
在最初的 20 秒内，我们就开始观察到我提到的那些应激反应。
Their heart rate goes up, their blood pressure increases.
他们的心率加快，血压也随之升高。
It doesn't take much to get people to start to feel anxious.
其实并不需要太多刺激，就能让人们开始感到焦虑。
Next, we see it in those nonverbal behaviors.
接下来，我们可以在那些非语言行为中看到这一现象。
They start to fidget, they avoid eye contact, they pull their chair a couple inches away from the person who's sitting next to them,
他们开始坐立不安，避免与他人进行眼神交流，还会把椅子往旁边的人那里挪开几英寸的距离。
in an effort just to get a little bit more distance.
只是为了能够拉开一点距离而已。
One of my favorite findings is in doctor-patient interactions, uncomfortable doctors, they look down at the chart more,
我最喜欢的发现之一与医患互动有关：那些感到不自在的医生会更加频繁地查看病历（即医疗记录）。
or they look more at the computer screen instead of making eye contact with those patients.
或者，他们更多地盯着电脑屏幕看，而忽略了与患者进行眼神交流。
So let's all return to your awkward moment.
那么，让我们都回到那个让你感到尴尬的时刻吧。